I have read some tripe in my time. I mean I’m no book connoisseur, my name is not Richard or Judy, and I do not have a book club, but I’d like to think I know when a book is bad or good.
Now, I like to read, and it helps me sleep, I’m a chronic over-thinker and usually reading is one of the only things to help me drift off and unwind at night. I also usually have to read something very light, and fluffy, because as much as I enjoy thrillers and all that jazz, they give me vivid stressful dreams (my brain is a sensitive little soul.)
I’m also a very fast reader, so what I tend to do every month or so, I look up ‘free kindle book’s’ on amazon and download a whole bunch of books that sound like they’re romantic fiction, I usually take a very quick look at the title and download away.
I’ve found some good books this way, and some not so good.
Anyways, the other night, I did my usual downloading spree and then just clicked on the top book to start reading, and for the first couple of nights, it seemed pretty normal, the usual thing I read, and then, things got interesting.
Now I’m no prude, or anything like that, but the sex scenes in this book are unlike anything I’ve read before, in fact, I had to check this wasn’t part of the ‘My Dad Wrote a Porno’ podcast series, and I actually woke Henry up one night from me laughing out loud and going ‘oh my god’ at one of the scenes.
I thought it would be selfish to keep this to myself, and with us all needing a laugh more than ever right now, I hope you guys enjoy this. I put about this on my Instagram stories and got a resounding yes to share, so very glad you are all my kinda people.
Disclaimer : from now onwards, this post will feature strong language and sexual content.
So, let’s start when the book took a turn for the interesting, this is when we’re about 30% through the book, and the introduction of a sex button is revealed.
Yes that’s right a sex button.
This was introduced as something the main character’s sister and fiancé had in their bedroom to indicate when one of them was in the mood for some rumpy pumpy. You know instead of communicating.
You probably won’t be surprised to hear this relationship did not last. He was cheating on the sister, unfortunately we never find out whether it was with the use of another sex button or not.
So, we’ve had a sex button, okay I can cope with that, although definitely sounds like something you’d hear about on the Shagged Married Annoyed podcast.
Then we get about halfway through the book, and things start ramping up a whole other level let me tell you…
Are you ready?
So the two characters are finally getting together, they’re kissing, getting in the mood and Jacob our love interest, suddenly comes out with this line which made me choke :
Then, things start to really step up …
CHANNEL?
CHANNEL?
Vagina’s or as they’re otherwise known ‘The Channel Tunnel’
Next, we have an absolute medical marvel about to happen …
However anyone reading this with a clitoris will probably find it doing this
However, I’m pretty sure it cannot be drawn out of it’s hood like a snake.
Now, we’ve moved on to the full works everybody, buckle up…
What is this, are we at Build a bear workshop all of a sudden?
Stuffed…
Then to finish off…
Seed.
Okay this next paragraph below is probably the most horrifying of the whole book.
Okay so we’ll circle back to the blood later I promise, but this is when I reached for my phone and Googled who the bloody hell wrote this book because I was convinced it had to be a man, because surely no self respecting woman would write the words ‘ I’d felt like Jacob had marked me as his own.’ 🤢
I told Henry about this bit and he was like ‘ WHAT like marking his territory like a dog? Did he piss in her?!?’
Horrendous.
But anyways, low and behold it was written by a woman, and I just sat there like…
Now the blood. So the character was a virgin, but even so I was like ‘ that seems a lot of blood?’ Maybe she should get her self to a gynaecologist? 🤷🏻♀️
Anyways, she recovers, the book progresses on, and then they’re at it again, 
I’m obsessed with how it goes from arms to mound.
I had to google mound I won’t lie 😂
Mound though 😂
Boneless like a fillet of fish.
p.s I honestly cannot with the constant use of the word pussy
Okay so this made me feel a little queasy. So I’m sharing it with you too – you are welcome
So, I’m not against porn or erotic novels or anything like that all, obviously as-long as all legal and above board, but sometimes some of it is total horseshite and puts so much unrealistic expectations on to people when it comes to sex.
These two parts here, are just like ? I mean to be honest, the whole thing is ? considering she’s a virgin and what not but these two sections really rattled me.
Okay so this first of all, which again will maybe make you a bit nauseous
There’s so much narrative within pornographic content about women being ‘wet’ and not needing lube cause god forbid, and it just puts so much pressure on women, and then makes them feel like something’s wrong because they do need extra help, when in fact it’s very normal and okay.
Then there’s this bit, which is painting this guy as some action man with the ever hard knob?
Maybe the writer is a virgin? 🤔
I do feel a little bad, because I’m sure the author thought this was great work, and probably put a lot of effort in, but I couldn’t not share, it was too good to keep all the channels and mounds to myself, and I hope you have enjoyed this and hopefully shouted “WHAT” like I did several times whilst reading this book 😂
I hope you found this amusing, and fingers crossed my next free kindle book provides me as much entertainment as this one did!!
